Stonewalling is a harmful communication style that can occur in relationships. It is one of the "Four Horsemen" of relationship conflict, as described by Dr. John Gottman. Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and closing themselves off from the speaker because they are feeling overwhelmed or emotionally unavailable. This can leave the other partner feeling confused, hurt, and angry, and can wear down their self-esteem, leading them to feel worthless or hopeless. Stonewalling can also have disastrous effects on a relationship, causing severe marital distress, conflict, and disruption.
Stonewalling can be a form of gaslighting when it is used intentionally to make people question their reality. When stonewalling is deliberate, the partner who refuses to communicate is often drawing the situation out and preventing the other partner from seeking out other options to address the conflict or even end the relationship. People who are stonewalled by others may feel hopeless and experience a loss of control or self-esteem.
Here are some tips for dealing with stonewalling in a relationship:
- Take a break: If you or your partner is feeling overwhelmed, it may be helpful to take a break from the conversation and come back to it later when you are both feeling calmer.
- Use "I" statements: When communicating with your partner, try to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. This can help to avoid blame and defensiveness.
- Practice active listening: When your partner is speaking, try to actively listen and understand their perspective. This can help to build empathy and connection.
- Seek professional help: If stonewalling is a persistent issue in your relationship, it may be helpful to seek the assistance of a couples therapist or counselor.
